Christmas is NOT just for children.

A while back I was discussing with a friend the perks of her future job. These included such delights as great pay, flexible shift patterns and the potential to be first in line for Christmas off due to the children she will have by then. At the time I thought “yeah that seems logical, they probably do do that”. But then I got to thinking about my own career prospects and thought, “Why should this be so? Does your family status really reflect your attitude towards Christmas?” Being a total day dreamer with ridiculous ambitions and a head bursting with ideas children have never been part of my plan. So, does my decision to forgo multiplying rid me of the right to celebrate Christmas?

It seems to me that parents will always have superiority over the childless people of this world. Parent and Child parking, for instance. Right at the front of the store, but why? Blue badges I get. Practically immobile people need to be able to get in and out of Tesco with as much ease as possible. And if there is a wheelchair involved you need the space to set it out. But a child can get out of the car all on its own with no particular need for aid. Unless of course we are talking babies. Babies I get. So it should be Parent and Baby parking, I mean where else could we really draw the line?

Also! They expect help in the street. A woman with a buggy was coming out of a shop as I was waiting to get in, she was doing perfectly fine yet when she finally got it down the ONE step she mumbled “thanks, not like I need any help or anything”. What on earth could I have done?! I was not put on this earth to help people carry prams up stairs or assist them in putting their bags in the car while their child has a tantrum on the ground! The friendly staff at your local shopping centre can help you with all of these things and more.

But, I digress. Christmas (for me anyways) is a time to get gifts, get drunk and see family and friends that I don’t usually see. It is supposed to bring everyone together, not single out those who are unwilling or unable to reproduce. Christmas is NOT just for children, its for everybody.

Dementors on the dole...

I read an article recently about the derogative way disabled characters are represented in books. It explained that even if they are the good guy their disability is still their defining characteristic rather than their personality. Of the top of my head, I couldn’t think of any books that had disabled people in them, good or bad. Reading on, it soon became apparent that this was perhaps because as a child I did not think off sick people in books as being “disabled” or “different”. They were just another character too me. But maybes that’s just how I was raised or whatever. Anyway, to the good stuff! Overall the article uses a hoard of what I found to be highly irrelevant examples of books in which such people existed. The most ridiculous of which was the following:

“Disability is either almost entirely ignored or negatively portrayed, as with the rapatious blind Dementors, in J. K. Rowling’s hugely successful Harry Potter series.”

For one thing, its rapacious, and for another, like OMG seriously? That’s how you read into her story? The evilest, most terrifying creature in the whole book that sucks people souls out and destroys their happiness is trying to kill the hero and you turn the whole thing around into her being discriminating because they are blind?! Jesus Christ that is so god damn ridiculous! They are blind but can still sense you through your positive emotions, that’s what they feed of. Heightened senses hello! They are perfectly capable of seeking out and killing people despite their blindness and it is most certainly not the main focus of their personality.

But maybe this writer is right, perhaps we should get Ms Rowling to go back and re-write her story, depicting the Dementors as the unsung heroes of the book fighting the evil boy whose thick rimmed glasses suggest only mild visual disruption. Or perhaps we could see them going down the job centre and filling in a DLA form only to be told that their just not quite blind enough to qualify so they will need to apply for Job Seekers Allowance. Dementors on the dole. Somehow I don’t think that book would have gone down quite so well.

Should chanell 4 apolgise? They clearly knew what kind of show it was going to be...

Ken who I like? Frankie Boyle. He’s funny, real funny. He offends me in ways I never thought possible. And I love it. So I do rather think that this whole Harvey joke thing has been blown completely out of proportion. There are comedians out there who are a helluva lot more offensive but you don’t see the public exhuming Bernard Manning’s body and making HIM apologise (I would however be the first to back that if it gets suggested as a means to an end in this ridiculous dispute).

I mean there is nothing I would love more than too push Roy Chubby Brown into a pit of cheese wire and then serve his fatty remains to the homeless. But, rather than got to jail, or have contact with the homeless, I simply just ignore him. I don’t watch his stand up and I certainly don’t buy tickets to go and see his shows. That’s just sense. He won’t go away but I don’t have to look at him. I don’t agree with a thing he says but I don’t have to hear it.

So, if you have a disabled child and do not enjoy Frankie Boyle’s style of comedy, why would you purchase a ticket to go and see him? And sit in the front row no less, where he can see all of your hideously shocked expressions. Well, a one Sharon Smith did just that back in April of this year. She was so offended that she wrote bout it on her blog and it caused a huge public outrage. Disability charity Mencap’s ambassador and comedian Mathew Horne described the routine as “rubbish”. Strong words. I reckon society is perhaps getting a bit too liberal with that word comedian…(Gavin and Stacey aside mind, that shit was awesome!)

Katie Price has some firkin nerve pulling the caring mother shit all of a sudden too. Not that many years ago when asked how she juggled being a model and full time carer, she said that she just took Harvey with her to all of her tack ass photo shoots and if he was “playing up” she would chuck a bag of crisps on the ground for him to graze on while she finished getting her tits out. Frankie Boyle couldn’t even make that sick shit up.

I don’t condone abuse to the disabled but free speech is just that. Free. Frankie Boyle just seems to be the one we blame for society being so fucked that we all find his inappropriate filth secretly hilarious.

So,whilst trawling ye olde Wikipedia for something inspiring to write about, I came across this rather ridiculous yet disturbing paragraph:

Katie Price (born Katrina Amy Alexandria Alexis Infield, 22 May 1978), previously known under the pseudonym Jordan during her early modeling career, is an English celebrity, businesswoman, singer, television personality and former glamour model.

Her time at topless female glamour model pictorial, Page Three, in British tabloid newspaper The Sun, instantly shot Price into the public limelight. She is notoriously dubbed by contemporary critics as being "famous for being famous", her personal life is often criticized by British tabloids and celebrity-based magazines, and her artificial breasts represent the pinnacle of her pornographic appeal; however Price is often viewed a collective ideal of genuine modern femininity to a widespread audience: particularly to females. Her continual struggle with the British media against her personal life and "rags to riches" story has turned her into an inspirational role model.

I would like, if I may (you may), to take you on a strange journey into my mind. First off, who even wrote this? Among other things, the sentence structure made my face hurt and the grammar, my eyes bleed. So, here for your reading pleasure is my own (and much more accurate) version of the opening paragraph to "Jordan's" Wikipedia page.

Katie Price (born Katrina Amy Alexandria Alexis Infield, 22 May 1978), previously known under the pseudonym Jordan during her early modeling career, is a media manipulator, child exploiter, surgery obsessed daughter botoxer, serial husband destroyer and former glamour model. Her time as a page 3 girl in the classic, pervy builders choice “newspaper” The Sun, instantly brought her up into the world of Britain’s Z list celebrities. There, she fought viciously for her place in the limelight with other slut bags such as Jodie Marsh. She was notorious for falling out of night clubs and flashing her veehag for all to see.

It has been reported recently that in a story of shit to awesome, there has to be hard work, a character that you can really relate to and a moment near the end where they prove that they still know where they came from. Due to this discovery, her “rags to riches” story has been called a load of old cock (by me, right here, right now). She is an inspiration to the following:

·        Wannabe WAGS

·        Girls who never want to work a day in their life

·        Women with no self esteem

·        Other mothers who fob their kids on the help and then pretend to care when someone  makes a harmless joke about them

Things to make you forget about the weather.

So! Here in Scotland the snow has brought Edinburgh to a stand still. Roads are closed, shops are closed, bars are closed, the WHOLE frikin city is closed. You can’t even trawl the internet for Christmas presents because you wont even get them delivered on time due to the shiteing snow effecting our hideously under prepared country. So! I have dutifully compiled a list of 5 wonderful things that will hopefully distract you from it all long enough to remember that once upon a time all you wanted was for it to snow at Christmas.

1. The Eight: Reindeer Monologues

16-19 December at The Store (formerly the GRV) 8pm Tickets are £10 (£8 concessions) and are available on the door.

The Eight is a play about Christmas, Santa and bestiality. Intrigued? Me too! When one of Santa’s reindeer accuses him of sexual harassment, the rest of the herd also cries rape. As each deer tells his story, a tale of epically horrific proportions unfolds. Not even Columbo himself could have called that one.


2.  Hairspray The Musical

14 of December 2010 - 9th of January 2011 at The Edinburgh Playhouse http://edinburghplayhouse.org.uk

So here’s the part where you think I'm lame and stop reading my awesome list. If you can't light heartedly enjoy the hilarity of a musical then you shouldn’t be reading my list to begin with. Set in 1962 Baltimore, Maryland, chubby teenager Tracy Turnblad pursues stardom as a dancer on a local TV show and rallies against racial segregation. Starring Michael Ball and ex-Monkee Micky Dolenz, Hairspray is one the most highly regarded musicals ever made and definitely worth seeing. "You can't stop the beat..."


3.  Phil Jupitus & Ian Rankin

16th December 7.30pm The Voodoo Rooms Tickets £5 www.thevoodoorooms.com

I, unlike my mother and possibly some other people, quite like Phil Jupitus. He’s a bit of a cock but who isn’t? You probably only think he’s a cock coz your jealous that he’s a cock and so are you but he’s a famous cock and your just a lame unknown cock. The word has lost all meaning.


4. Urban Outfitters Sale

If I were president, my name, would be Baberham Lincoln. And I, would want this mug. You can either brave the icy streets to buy it for me or order it here http://www.urbanoutfitters.co.uk it probably won’t come till like January but I don't mind. You can give it to me as a late Christmas present. Your gift will be a hug. Problem?


5. Tron: Legacy

Released to cinemas December 17th

Personally I think this looks pretty sweet but not being a film Nazi I guess you can't really take my word for it. Therefore I think we will all just half to go see it and then discuss it later. What else are Orange Wednesdays for?

The British Fashion Awards

Looking through all of the photographs and reading the reviews that are ever so slowly but surely pouring out onto the internet, it would be very easy for me to write a full blown article on the wonderful British Fashion Awards that occurred only last night. But instead I have opted to go for something a little different, a little interesting and possibly even a little more controversial than Lily Cole's decision to come to the event with lank ass chippy hair. My dear fashion lovers, pray tell, why the hell was Claudia Winkleman hosting it?!

This country is riddled with TV presenters who have the skills, experience and ultimately actual fashion related interests to carry out this holy task but SHE was who they wanted? There are an extensive number of other obviously brilliant choices and I am perplexed as to why they were ignored. Take for example Kelly Osbourne, She is relevant to the fashion scene at the moment, has had her own clothing line, was the face of Accessorize and currently writes a column for the celebrity gossip magazine Closer. There is also the perhaps predictable but always classy choice of (duh duh duh duh!) Myleene Klass!!! She is an awesome TV presenter whom over the last few years has become a British style icon. I am aware that she is preggers right now but she was at the event so she totally could have hosted it!

Claudia has presented god knows how many things but quantity does NOT equal quality. You would think after all the fuss that was kicked up about her Co-presenting Film 2010 that she would have been rejected from such a honorable position. Her personality less presenting style is unbearable and the only reason she gets the big gigs is because of her media connections. On that note, I shall leave you all to wonder what the actual douche fag is going on.

It begins...

So, today is the day I finally start writing this thing. For all of my wants to be a Fashion Blogger, I am slightly fail on some of the key elements. For example, I do not have particularly awesome writing skills or live in or anywhere near America. I do however posses the ability to completly melt when ever I walk past Corniche (total dream store, its beautifully arranged Vivienne Westwood window displays get me everytime) and see those black and lilac Melissas, starting up at me, screaming to be bought! And of course, worn, on every possible occassion. You would arrange nights out with people you don't even like just to wear them!



Anyway! Finding things to blog about shouldn't be a problem. Neither should providing copias amounts of photographs of anyone and anything I find even remotley intersting. I am also in the midst of making a portfolio to aquire myself a place on an art course so I can rage my ass into gear for FASHION TOWN!!! So I will be posting my progresson to fill up the gaps between my inevatable writers block. I am aware that this is starting to sound like an irratic breif slash note to myself, so I will leave you and get on my with my day. Because, realisitcly, no one is going to read my first post.